Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Lesson on Language



A few days back, I was sitting with the ladies at work, practicing my Bengali; something I try to do as often as I feel adventurous enough to leave my text books for the real thing. Although, this time was different. Many of the women seemed too busy to help and I started to feel like a burden. About ready to retreat to my books, one lady sensed my discouragement and began to patiently teach me the names of body parts. Pointing to her nose or her ear, she would say the word in Bengali and I would repeat and hope to retain it, but often inverting syllables and beckoning the laughter of the ladies around us. Yet I was astounded at how quickly I was learning!

Fifteen body parts and an hour later, I realized who this patient woman was; she was one of the twenty original ladies that began with our business 10 years ago. She is a beautiful old woman, the type of beauty where you can tell she has always been beautiful. And she was elegant, even in her second-hand sari sitting on the floor of our workroom teaching me Bengali, she was clothed in dignity. Then I remembered, this is the lady who goes out into our community and finds women who have the courage to leave the trade and work with us. A real freedom fighter! Suddenly, I felt honored that she had given me so much attention.

After an hour of patient teaching, we left to find some water. Passing by Kerry, she said (in Bengali) "We are going out to the red-light district". I was surprised by the arrangement, but I quickly agreed, as I gulped down the rest of my water.

With my limited Bengali, and the growing trust I had for my newfound teacher, we ventured out. I felt so vulnerable, realizing this was just my second time walking the red-light district and my first time relying on a person to lead me who did not speak my language. But a rush of peace replaced my fear, as she took hold of my hand, leading me through narrow lanes and busy streets with the tenderness of a mother's love. I felt the warmth of her heart in the warmth of my hand.

We walked past the hundreds of women standing "in line" and stopped to talk with only a few. From what I could understand, she would tell them about our work being a place to work with dignity and more importantly freedom from "the line". I would answer questions about myself, as each curiously asked about me. Each time, the women were delighted when I answered back in their own language, feeble as it was.

The last woman we visited invited us into her room and bought us chai and cookies.

Sitting on her bed, drinking the chai, I couldn't help but imagine what had took place there, right where I sat. What had she endured? What was the cost of my little cup of tea? And how gracious was her hospitality? My heart ached, but I smiled and sipped, not wanting to waste a drop of the costly tea she had given of herself to buy.



The woman listened as we shared about our work I thought for a long time, carefully forming my words, "Apni amrader shonge kaj korte cai" (I want you to work with us). She smiled, but with a tinge of despair. I wish I could understand and say so much more. I wanted to listen to that despair, to reach beyond my elementary vocabulary and limited understanding of the conversation. It was there that language learning took on a whole new level of importance.

In the midst of my seemingly endless struggle to grasp this new language, it's days like this where learning vocab and grammar take on new meaning and new hope. Teachers like this are rarely found in a classroom. And these lessons on language cannot be found in a book.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Revealization


So I have been wrestling with a question; “Do I love Chr!st’s mission more than I love Chr!st?”, a question that unsettles me in a place I have not wanted to confront.

To be honest, prayer has been an afterthought since I arrived in Kolkata. I have been caught up in the excitement of a new life, as I see G*d move in and through this community. Which is beautiful. But could I say my eyes are on Chr!st? Sadly, no.

Yesterday, I listened to a recording of my first sermon on “obedience vs. effectiveness”. Not something I do often, obviously, as it was a prophetic verbal-slap in the face, waking me up to reality (which is funny since it’s my voice doing the sanctifying assault). I think I had started to believe in being effective again. I have noticed that effectiveness is an easy struggle at my work, being a business for freedom (a good cause)…making it easy to believe in effectiveness over simple obedience regardless of result. It’s easy to get sucked into a vortex of working long hours for the pressing temporal needs that surround us and loose sight of the eternal. Nonetheless, I know better, that it is not WHAT we can do, but WHO we do it for that matters (And the HOW-action flowing out of that alone).

Today it occurred to me, the verse, “For you always have the poor with you, but you do not always have Me” (Matt 26) is not only a radical statement about the how being a follower necessitates our communion with the marginalized, but it also means that what Mary did (washing Je$u$’s feet with costly perfume) is an act that challenges disciples, then and now, to keep our eyes on Chr!st before we look to see Chr!st in the poor. (This might seem obvious, but I am relearning it). How can I expect to serve Chr!st in the distressing disguise of the poor if I bypass prayer with Him out of urgency to meet the “pressing” needs around me? I justify exchanging my time to focus on Je$u$ each day for more time with the poor (or for myself), and yet it is Je$u$ I wish to see IN the poor. Plainly stated, how can I recognize Chr!st in the poor if I don't spend time with Him?



Mary modeled this; She was “a sinner” (which takes on new meaning now that I work in the red-light district), whom Chr!st had loved and accepted. And she lavished her love on Chr!st, not sparing a dime.

During our life, this is our only opportunity to give- as the Manifest Body (since the Eternal Kingdom will have no needs to tend to). This not only means that we should take advantage of our opportunities to give now, but it also means if we are not intimate with the One we give to, we miss out on the Eternal by never having made time for God during the temporal. My heart ached as I imagined walking past Chr!st my whole life to go "serve" the poor, only to die and realize I had not developed any real love for Chr!st, but only for the poor, (or my romanticized version of them). And I saw an image of myself, upon death, realizing I had only served myself in being married to a mission that was exciting and gave me self-worth, but was distant to the Master who gave me the mission, and had left myself very foreign to a love for G*d; that is to love at all. And then it struck me, this is idolatry. All things can be made idols, even the the Sacred Kingdom. And I seem to have fallen more in love with the Kingdom of God then I have with the King.

All this leads me to this; as I transition into the red-light neighborhood, with a fresh start, I believe I need to re-cultivate a life of prayer and mental simplicity, especially at the onset of each day, so that I might not miss out on loving Chr!st in my efforts to love the poor. And then maybe, out of the overflow of my love for Chr!st, I might also learn to love my neighbor, which include the poor.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Moving into the Neighborhood

One of the greatest treasures I have found in Kolkata is my host family. I live with an elderly couple, whom I fondly call "Auntie" and "Uncle", and my host brother, Sudip, who is a local pastor. I have quickly felt at home here as Indian hospitality has a way of doing that.

A common sign in Chr!st!an homes in India

One problem: I have an hour commute to and from work each day for my part time job, which has limited my ability to spend time with the community I work in. So a few weeks ago, I began to pray for a family in Sonagacchi (the red-light district) to live with and the phrase "with a widow and an orphan" kept coming to mind.

Later that week, I told my boss (Kerry) that I was looking to move into the neighborhood. At this point, you may wonder, "Why are you moving into a red-light district?" Good question.

My Global Studies professors have taught me the importance of living amongst the people I seek to serve. This is based on Chr!st's example, who took on the form of human, that is He became one of us to show us love. And following Chr!st, I want to live like the people I seek to love.



Annie and Kerry- founders of where I work--->

When I told Kerry this, he immediately said, "I have someone I want you to meet." So we walked down the street to meet Shikha, a 26 year old widow who is a single mother of 11 year old Papiya whose father died last year of liver failure. She showed us the 10'x7' (too short to stand up in ) room she recently moved into. Upon meeting her, I immediately felt that Shikha was a joyful and warm hearted woman. She served us chai and (with my permission, as I was feeling particularly bold) Kerry told her about how I was living an hour away and looking to move into the neighborhood. Before he could say another word, she asked him, "Would she live with me?!"

She answered the question before we could ask!

Of course, I said, "Yes!" Immediately she started praising G*d and calling me her new sister. A beautiful answer to both of our prayers.

A street in Sonagacchi

Now, I will take the next month to prepare for the big transition, mainly working on my ability to speak the language. Shikha doesn't speak English, and Papya needs to learn English to stay in school (and out of the sex-trade). In that way, it will be a beautiful exchange of language learning for us all. Of course, it will come with many changes, and probably challenges, but I believe many blessings as well. Perhaps I will learn more about this right -side-up Kingdom of God that says it is actually the poor that are blessed.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Remembering that Work is Love and Love takes Work


The work I have joined here is beautiful beyond what I had imagined. Even more remarkable is my ability to easily loose sight of the bigger picture and focus on myself. It is in my nature to quickly wish for what I no longer have; whether it be good weather, familiar friends, the ability to speak the language of most people I know, or eat foods that don't send me running to the bathroom. Some people label it homesickness; I prefer the term ungratefulness.

However, this week my eyes were opened a little to the "good and perfect gifts" G*d has showered before me;
I have the challenge and excitement of learning a new language...
a bengali family to learn hospitality from each day as they call me "daughter" and treat me as one too...
the simplicity of life in the slums and late night pillow talk with Auntie (my bed-mate)...
the adventure and growing pride in mastering 5 new forms of public transportation
the business skills I have been taught in the past month for my new job...
eating on average 3 mangoes a day, chai 4x a day, and discovering the best naan ever...
having over 150 women to love and learn love from each day.
(to name a few)

I recall the night of my going away party, a good friend of mine gave me an archaic looking poetry book. Not being the "poetry reading type," I let it collect dust for a few weeks before parting it's pages and discovered the beautiful truth between them.This book is called The Prophet, written by Kahlil Gibran.

It is also remarkable how fitting the passages of this little poetry book intertwine with my life, as I am learning let go of so much that I held dear while I simultaneously growing to embrace all things new here. G*d is patiently and gently teaching me to find myself anew in a place where no one knows me, guiding me to remember that "loosing your life to gain it" really means "loosing my life", and a life of discipleship requires a bit of discipline.

I hope this builds courage in you as much as it has me.
An excerpt from The Prophet concerning work
And I say that life is indeed darkness
save when there is urge,
And all urge is blind
save when there is knowledge
And all knowledge is vain
save when there is work
And all work is empty
save when there is love;
And when you work with love
you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another,
and to G*d.
And what is it to work with love?
It is to weave the cloth of threads drawn from your heart,
even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.
It is to build a house with affection,
even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.
It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy,
even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit....




Work is love made visible.
And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste,
you should leave your work
and sit at the gate of the temple
and take alms of those who work with joy.
For if you bake bread with indifference,
you bake a biter bread that feeds
but half a man's hunger.

To work, this is my prayer, that I am slowly learning to embody.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

In the Debt of Love

To continue the analogy of this Blog being written in the format of a book, this section would likely be the introduction. In this part, I mainly want introduce why I named the blog "In the Debt of Love" and then give the details of my departure. As for the names origin, as you know (if you did not skip the preface) I am financially free to go to India because an anonymous donor paid all my student debt, $105,000. In this freedom, although I cast off the burden of financial debt, in recent months I have began to desire taking on a new debt; that is the debt to love. However, this new debt is chosen, not something I submit to but actually it is where I can find the greatest riches.

You see, much of the past 2 months I have been consumed by the book Works of Love by Soren Kerkegaard. Besides the B!ble, honestly this is the only book that I can say has changed my life. It has broken my heart and humiliated me on so many levels as I have discovered the truth about what it means to love, which in contrast means learning, to my dismay, that much of what I thought was love was actually selfishness.

One of the major themes is that Chr!$tiaN love, the only true love, means to love solely because we are commanded to "Love our neighbor as our self". Therefore it is rooted in the duty to love our neighbor and because it is a duty is not affected by how our object of love (the other person) behaves, changes, or treats us in return. And furthermore, because it is a duty to love our "neighbor" that includes all people and excludes no one, and we are not to prefer loving one person over the other, for that is preferential and exclusive to our neighbors, meaning it is not love. I was astounded to learn that Chr!$tian love is quite contrary to a friendship, family, love interests, or even marriage. It does not prefer the rich nor does it prefer the poor, neither the important nor the unimportant, the extraordinary nor the simple. Those loves are preferential (meaning you chose some people over others) and conditional (meaning dependant on how they treat you in return or fulfill the potential you desire for them) and temporal (meaning it will always blossom and always die).

But Chr!$tian love, actual love, is eternal because it is rooted in obeying the command "to love your neighbor", and the command never stops saying, "Love your neighbor". Loving out of duty causes a shift in our love-need, from our love-need is to be loved by others in return, to our love-need is to love others. In fact, the greater the need is to love our neighbor, the greater are our riches in love. And this is the debt of love.

It is the acknowledgement that you could never love someone enough. And in doing so, you also could never stop and compare how they love you with how you love them, for to do so would be to think you are somehow repaying the eternal debt to love, which means you have not loved eternally, or Chr!st!anly, or your neighbor.

To say the least, this is a great challenge; To love my neighbor in the debt of love. As I enter into my time in India, this will mean loving the oppressed and the oppressor. It will mean loving those who are easy to love and those you are not. It will mean guarding myself from loving some people more than others, for to do so would mean I am not seeing them as my neighbor. And it will mean loving despite how I am treated in return because I am loving my neighbor to love G*d, not so they love me back. This keeps G*d as the bond between us. This makes it Chr!st!an love.

So this is my task: Last night I accepted a part time position with an org as their Customer Care Representative. As mentioned previously, I begin my work May 4th. Since it is part time, I will have spare time to learn Bengali, and the culture, and about my host family. As my language ability increases, I will be able to get more involved with the women in the red-light district. By far the greatest challenge in all of this will be to love my neighbor in the debt of love. I named my blog this as a reminder to be earnest of only one thing; loving my neighbor. For it is the eternal duty, rooted in the debt of love.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Preface

If this Blog were a book, possibly even an autobiography, then perhaps this post would be the preface. Usually I skip right over the preface of most books but in this story, it's quite possible that the preface is the most important part since it is the part I already know. The rest of the book has yet to be written as I have yet to leave for India. But let's begin here, with what has happened to arrive at this place.

This story really picks up when I studied abroad independently in Uganda. God had done quite a bit of work in my heart concerning poverty in the third world to get me there, but for the sake of time, I will spare you the details.

Let's just say after a life-altering 4 months in Uganda, I knew I wanted to work overseas long-term. However, at that time I was $105K in student debt so I also knew that would not be happening for... a while. In my senior year though I discovered and later joined a sending organization called H.I.S. years which offered me about $10K towards my student debt while I served overseas. However, about 8 months with the organization, I realized $10K doesn't really even put a dent in my $105K debt so ultimately I began to doubt if i should go to India until my debt was paid in full.

One night in specific, about 2 months before graduation, I was particularly distraught by the contrast of my desire to serve overseas and the insurmountable debt I had accumulated. I remember very distinctly getting on my knees to pray, a bit shaky and with tears streaming down my face, I worked up the courage to say with all sincerity, "G*d, if you want me to go to India then get rid of my debt, and I will go."

Two months later after the busyness of finals week, that prayer was a distant memory and I had fully accepted, and was even excited about, my state-side alternative way of life ie. waitressing to pay off debt while I lived in an intentional community house. There I was, in the line-up about 15 minutes before graduation began when i remembered I had to go to a brief meeting to promote H.I.S. years (I still hadn't worked up the courage to commit to telling H.I.S. Years I was not committed, so off i went to promote).

It was me and two other H.I.S. years students. We walked into a room filled with all the "important" people at APU. As President Jon Wallace introduced us, we stated our name and where we were going. Hesitantly I said, "My name is Melissa.... and I am trying to go to India"

The next thing I know, Jon Wallace says, "Melissa Dorman, an anonymous donor has stepped forward and you have been forgiven 105 thousand dollars, you are free to serve". To say the least that sentence changed my life. From that moment on, I knew I was going to India.

Of course that was almost a year ago, soooo...what have I been doing with my life? (you may wonder)

Well, I decided to still live in that intentional community house with mostly strangers and work as a waitress to raise money to go. Probably the best decision I have ever made. It was by no means easy but I have learned so much about love, and myself, and G*d, and community. Not to mention these people are now my dear friends. I am very grateful for the lessons they have taught me or been with me while I have painfully learned. I have no doubt these are lessons that will be crucial to my life in India. Which leads me to my next point, the question I have heard a thousand times, "When am I leaving for India?"

Well, almost 2 years later, I can answer- May 4th.

(to be continued)